Monday, January 30, 2012

Gratitude

Everyone experiences ups and downs. I've been having a harder time than usual lately, and I've had days where I have struggled to deal with the most basic of tasks (I have SAD, and it has been exacerbated by difficult life situations, as well as a major life transition). The more challenging things have been, the less focus I've had, and the easier it has been for even the smallest setbacks to cause me to go completely off-kilter.

I'm normally pretty even-keeled, and I'm an eternal optimist. I've always said that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure that's the right way to say what I believe. It's more that I think that in any given situation, we can act in such a way that we learn and grow from it. By choosing the path that leads us toward improvement rather than stagnation, we can create meaning in events that are senseless and random. I also think that if we open our awareness to the world and pay attention, there are signs that will guide us toward a path that has challenges that we have the tools to cope with. If we ignore the signs, then things can get pretty rough.

I can already hear the groans of some of my friends as they read this. They are the atheists, the agnostics, the scientists who require hard data, and the skeptics. Although I am spiritual and believe in a higher power, signs certainly needn't be divine in origin. When my car is low on gas, it gives me a sign: the gas light comes on. I can pull into the next gas station and fill my tank, or I can keep going, ignoring the sign because stopping for fuel is inconvenient, or the nearest gas station isn't my preferred brand. Chances are, I'll be able to keep driving for a little while, but eventually, my car will run out of gas, and I'll have to deal with much more hassle than if I'd just paid attention. Life is full of signs like this, though unfortunately, many of the really important ones are far more subtle than the gas light. I've heard a theory that intuition is simply the result of your brain compiling the millions of subtle bits of data it collects that the conscious mind doesn't necessarily register. If that's the case, then our intuition is just as important, if not more so, than our "rational" thought.

But I digress. The point I am very wordily trying to make is that I've been struggling to create meaning in my current circumstances. I've spent a lot of time chasing my own tail, and unsurprisingly getting nowhere. I've been too caught up in my own mess to pay attention to the signs that could help lead me out of this mental morass, and that has lead to a very unhappy me.

Last night, I was having dinner with a very good friend of mine. He told me that he finds that he's noticed that life is a lot easier when he focuses on being grateful, rather than on what he's lacking. This is a lesson that I have decided I need to take to heart. Yes, life has been throwing unpleasant things my way. I'm not going to say that whole bit about lemons and lemonade - we all know it, and frankly, I'm a lot less concerned with lemons than I am with shitstorms.

I've spent a lot of time asking (and I'm a little ashamed to admit there were times when there was begging) the universe and my Goddess to fix the problems that I have - some of which are truly out of my hands, but most of which I have some control over. This is an approach that doesn't work. One of my very firm beliefs is that the gods only help those who have put in what work they can in order to improve their situation. Only when the effort has been made will outside forces step in and assist. Which is more effective: asking a rainstorm to stop, or finding an umbrella?

I'm going to do my best to focus on being grateful instead of railing uselessly against the unfairness of my situation. The bad things that life throws at me don't define who I am; how I react to them does. I'm going to start with being grateful for the most basic and fundamental thing: I am grateful that I am alive and that I get to experience this insane, wonderful, scary, painful, beautiful, horrifying, uncomfortable, miraculous thing called consciousness. It is easy to resent this experience because it's complicated, and it isn't always fun. Being grateful won't always come naturally, but I think that if I can consciously make the effort, over time it will be easier to be thankful for other things, and the better I will be at handling everything life throws at me.