Gratitude

Everyone experiences ups and downs. I've been having a harder time than usual lately, and I've had days where I have struggled to deal with the most basic of tasks (I have SAD, and it has been exacerbated by difficult life situations, as well as a major life transition). The more challenging things have been, the less focus I've had, and the easier it has been for even the smallest setbacks to cause me to go completely off-kilter.

I'm normally pretty even-keeled, and I'm an eternal optimist. I've always said that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure that's the right way to say what I believe. It's more that I think that in any given situation, we can act in such a way that we learn and grow from it. By choosing the path that leads us toward improvement rather than stagnation, we can create meaning in events that are senseless and random. I also think that if we open our awareness to the world and pay attention, there are signs that will guide us toward a path that has challenges that we have the tools to cope with. If we ignore the signs, then things can get pretty rough.

I can already hear the groans of some of my friends as they read this. They are the atheists, the agnostics, the scientists who require hard data, and the skeptics. Although I am spiritual and believe in a higher power, signs certainly needn't be divine in origin. When my car is low on gas, it gives me a sign: the gas light comes on. I can pull into the next gas station and fill my tank, or I can keep going, ignoring the sign because stopping for fuel is inconvenient, or the nearest gas station isn't my preferred brand. Chances are, I'll be able to keep driving for a little while, but eventually, my car will run out of gas, and I'll have to deal with much more hassle than if I'd just paid attention. Life is full of signs like this, though unfortunately, many of the really important ones are far more subtle than the gas light. I've heard a theory that intuition is simply the result of your brain compiling the millions of subtle bits of data it collects that the conscious mind doesn't necessarily register. If that's the case, then our intuition is just as important, if not more so, than our "rational" thought.

But I digress. The point I am very wordily trying to make is that I've been struggling to create meaning in my current circumstances. I've spent a lot of time chasing my own tail, and unsurprisingly getting nowhere. I've been too caught up in my own mess to pay attention to the signs that could help lead me out of this mental morass, and that has lead to a very unhappy me.

Last night, I was having dinner with a very good friend of mine. He told me that he finds that he's noticed that life is a lot easier when he focuses on being grateful, rather than on what he's lacking. This is a lesson that I have decided I need to take to heart. Yes, life has been throwing unpleasant things my way. I'm not going to say that whole bit about lemons and lemonade - we all know it, and frankly, I'm a lot less concerned with lemons than I am with shitstorms.

I've spent a lot of time asking (and I'm a little ashamed to admit there were times when there was begging) the universe and my Goddess to fix the problems that I have - some of which are truly out of my hands, but most of which I have some control over. This is an approach that doesn't work. One of my very firm beliefs is that the gods only help those who have put in what work they can in order to improve their situation. Only when the effort has been made will outside forces step in and assist. Which is more effective: asking a rainstorm to stop, or finding an umbrella?

I'm going to do my best to focus on being grateful instead of railing uselessly against the unfairness of my situation. The bad things that life throws at me don't define who I am; how I react to them does. I'm going to start with being grateful for the most basic and fundamental thing: I am grateful that I am alive and that I get to experience this insane, wonderful, scary, painful, beautiful, horrifying, uncomfortable, miraculous thing called consciousness. It is easy to resent this experience because it's complicated, and it isn't always fun. Being grateful won't always come naturally, but I think that if I can consciously make the effort, over time it will be easier to be thankful for other things, and the better I will be at handling everything life throws at me.

2011: My Year in Review

It would be all to easy for me to dismiss 2011 as a completely crappy year. Truly the last few months have been extraordinarily difficult. Many people I love lost friends and family members. Far too many of these deaths were sudden and unexpected, and some of them were much too young. The past few days have been especially painful for me and many of my friends because we lost our wonderful friend, Kat, who was only 27.

The prevalence of so much death in such a short period of time, in addition to 3 people I care deeply about having been diagnosed with cancer this year, has made me keenly aware of my own mortality. More than that - it has made me aware of the mortality of those I love. If I were to die tonight, I would be content that I have lived a pretty good life. Sure I haven't accomplished everything I'd like to, but realistically, there will always be something I missed out on, so why dwell on it? Plus, if I die, I won't have to worry about it any more; I'll be dead. The people I love, though, are unfathomably precious, and the time that I have to spend with them is limited. I'd like to think that I have decades left with all of them, but the truth is that anything could happen at any time. Every moment I spend with someone I love should be cherished.

2011 certainly didn't start out as a year defined by death. Many wonderful things happened. Some not-so-wonderful things also happened. Mostly, a lot of seemingly meaningless and trivial things happened.

This past year, I turned 30. For some, this milestone is tantamount to a death sentence. Not for me. I love birthdays. It's the one day a year when I get to be totally, completely narcissistic. I get to have a party, invite all my friends, and spend time with the people I love while they're focused on me, and I get to do it guilt free. Milestone birthdays are even better, if you can believe it. It's not just a party, it's a huge party! In an actual venue! With fancy cake! And the DJs from the Emerald City Soul Club! I got my hair done and spent an absurd amount of money on a sexy outfit because you only turn 30 once, and by gum, I did it with style (and a lot of help from my wonderful bff).

I got into a car accident (not my fault) that totaled my car and gave me some pretty serious neck issues. The plus side of this was that I was able to use some of the money that I got from the accident to pay for my cat to get a health problem taken care of. Now he is carefree and playful again. Also, I got a new car that I love and that gets much better gas mileage.

I went to Oregon 3 times and learned that I absolutely adore that state. I got to go to herb farms and Rootstalk, which were mind-blowing, wonderful, life-changing experiences. I need to hurry up and finish with school so I can get out of the city and closer to nature.

I got to spend approximately 24 hours with The One Who Got Away. It was a bit like a dream, and it was something that I will always remember fondly. Ultimately, though, the timing was wrong, and I let him get away again. This time with no regrets.

I started dating a guy. He turned out to be an asshole. (Here's a tip for the dudes, don't call the woman you're dating a whore. Just don't.) I dumped him and started dating a really awesome guy about whom I am crazy.

I became a primary intern at my school's clinic. This means that I get to treat patients under the supervision of a licensed acupuncturist. On some shifts, that has meant that I get almost complete autonomy, on others, it means I get almost none. In either case, I get to stick needles in people, which is just cool.

I got to be the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. I went back "home" for the first time since I was 19. I got to spend time with my best friend's family, who are like my second family. I got to meet her husband (who is perfect for her), and all the friends she's been telling me about for years.

I officiated the wedding of two of my closest friends. Somehow they decided that I would make a good WWE announcer (Yep, the theme of their wedding was WWE. The theme of the other wedding I mentioned was Borat. I love my friends), and I had a blast. I don't know if they know how much of an honor it was that they chose me.

I also brushed my teeth a whole bunch, played with my cats, went to a lot of classes, skipped a lot of classes, learned new things, memorized a lot, took many showers, ate a bunch of food (almost all of it was gluten free and dairy free), got drunk a few times, laughed, cried, and hugged the people I love as often as I could. Plus, I got to celebrate with friends as they had babies, got engaged, and had all sorts of wonderful events in their lives. I also supported friends as they went through difficult times, just as they have been supporting me.

After looking back at my year as a whole, it wasn't really that crappy. Yes, the end of it has been shitty, but overall I have celebrated more than I have mourned. Maybe that's all that's needed to define a good year. So here's to you, 2011. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I can't say that I'm sorry to see you go, but I think that after all is said and done, I can appreciate you.

And here's to 2012. May we not all perish in an apocalypse.

Rootstalk

A few weeks ago, I went to the first annual Rootstalk festival outside of Salem, OR. My friend, John, and I spent the weekend camping, going to classes, listening (and dancing) to bands, meeting awesome people, and generally having an amazing, mind-blowing time.

As soon as I found out about the existence of Rootstalk, I knew that I had to go. It was like someone had decided to make a festival just for me. With classes on herbalism, organic and sustainable living, wildcrafting, and more, I couldn't stay away. It was the right decision; the weekend was one of the best I've ever had. I still haven't fully processed my experiences (which isn't that surprising given that I was bombarded with bad news as soon as I got back). When it was over, I didn't want to come home. Normally when I see the Seattle skyline after being gone for a while, I feel euphoric. This time, I felt my stomach sinking. I was coming back to reality after being in a utopia.

I'm not entirely sure how to put my experience into words. Normally, words don't fail me, but in this case, I've barely been able to talk about it at all. I could talk about what classes we went to and which vendors I bought things from, but that was such a small fragment. It was more about the synergy (I hate that word, but in this case it fits) of the people, their combined knowledge and wisdom, the environment, and the activities we participated in.

What sticks out most in my mind is the overall feeling that some humans have given up a lot of things that we would probably be better off having in our lives. We have given it up in order to have the convenience of modern, city life, but I'm far from convinced that the tradeoff is worth it.

One of the presenters, Daniel Vitalis, said that he thinks that humans need fire - not just to cook our food and keep us warm. I can't help but agree that sitting in front of a real fire, whether I'm roasting marshmallows on a camping trip, having a bonfire on the beach, or sitting in front of a cozy fireplace, makes me feel good, like I'm getting something vital that I've been lacking. He aslo brought up that in modern western culture, we have developed the notion that we are somehow separate from the ecosystem. The fact is that we are part of the whole, and we can't escape that for good or ill. I'm not entirely sure what to do with that concept, but it rings true. Mostly, I want to spend more time in nature (I say as I'm sitting in my living room in my apartment in a major city) so that I can experience and hopefully understand what it is that I think it's so critical that we protect and live with in harmony.

The sense of community that pervaded the festival was amazing. Everyone was friendly and had a smile to share. There was no awkwardness about starting up a conversation with a stranger. We were all kindred spirits, and it was fabulous. The free tea pavilion was a great place to feel the camaraderie of the festival. People could be found there at all times of the day lounging on the cushions and making new friends. I would love to feel that wonderful sense of community in my daily life. It was jarring when I returned home and smiled at the first people who passed me on the street, only to have them avert their gazes and look obviously uncomfortable (though granted, it could have been that I looked like a derelict, dirty hippy... that is if it weren't still happening).

There is definitely something primal missing from my life. I realized this when a marching percussion band performed throughout the campground. People were drawn to them, and an impromptu parade formed as people followed them around, dancing their hearts out. It was reminiscent of the pied piper. That night we went to the woodland masquerade ball. I'll admit, before I went to it, I thought it sounded a little hokey. A masquerade ball? While camping? Outdoors? In reality, it was astounding. There is something profound about people wearing masks. Your identity becomes less important, and your ego melts away. People danced with abandon, unconcerned about whether they looked like idiots. And dancing outdoors... it's magical. The energy from the earth combined with the energy of the music and the other people was unreal. During the ball, it felt like I was part of a tribe, and I want that feeling back.

One of the things that was stressed over and over again by many different people in many different ways was that we shouldn't beat ourselves up when we fail to live up to our own expectations. The context was always that of living sustainably, but I think it applies to everything. When we try to change things 100% all at once, we are bound to slip some. I try to eat organic food as much as possible, but sometimes, I just need to buy a pizza, and that's OK. It seems to be human nature (well, American nature, anyway) that if we fail a little bit then we should just give up. Instead, we should be forgiving of our slipups and keep right on trucking, doing what we can. That's what I'm working on - doing what I can. For now I'm in Seattle in a small apartment with a cat who will eat anything green that she sees, so starting indoor window gardens isn't possible. I'm not going to be able to grow all of my own food on my shaded balcony. I can, however, keep maintaining my little garden (which I fully intend to truly maintain next spring/summer. I've mostly gotten over my bee PTSD and am pretty sure I'll be able to actually do work in the garden soon), and doing my best to eat organic and sustainably farmed food whenever I can. While it would be great if I were able to live in a perfectly permacultured (I've decided this must be a word) home that was completely self-sustaining. I don't, and I won't be able to do that for a long time. So I take baby steps, which are better than not doing anything at all.

John and I have big plans to start a club where we can spend time in nature, learning how to do awesome things that we learned about at Rootstalk, like making rope from plants, starting fires using the bow and stick method (essentially, rubbing 2 sticks together), wild foraging, and other awesome nature-based activities. We hope that by doing this, we'll manage to keep ourselves sane until next year's Rootstalk. I can't wait.

Side Effects of Natural Remedies/Alternative Medicine

For those of you new to my blog, I have to preface this post by saying that I love alternative medicine. I am getting my MS in Acupuncture, and I will be getting an additional certificate in Chinese Medicine (which means Chinese herbalism). In addition, I think many other alternative therapies are wonderful, and after I graduate from my current program, I hope to continue to learn about many of them and to be able to integrate some of them into my practice. For more on why I love natural medicine, see my last post, Natural Medicine vs. Western Medicine.

That being said, the comments on my last post have made it clear that some people have a misunderstanding about how natural remedies work and believe that they don't have any side effects. This assumption has the potential to lead to some very serious consequences (and some less-serious but certainly unpleasant consequences), so I am going to attempt to clear that misconception up.

Let's start with a definition. According to MedicineNet.com, side effects are, "Problems that occur when treatment goes beyond the desired effect. Or problems that occur in addition to the desired therapeutic effect." Got that? Good.

Now for a very simplistic look at biology and medicine. The human body is a complicated, fascinating, and amazing machine. Take a peek in any anatomy and physiology text book, and it is likely to blow your mind. The body runs due to chemistry (such as neurotransmitters, and hormones), biology (such as the good bacteria that live in our guts), electricity (action potentials), and structure (the location of everything in the body). In order to do something as simple as blinking your eyes, there is a complicated chain reaction of events that must occur perfectly, or it won't work. The body needs to be in a state of homeostasis (which is quite complicated but can be very simplistically defined as balance) in order to keep those reactions going and to be healthy. The number of things going on in your body that are beyond your conscious control in any given moment is staggering. Like any complicated machine, things go wrong from time to time, which can be due to external factors (trauma, viruses, etc) or internal factors (genetic mutation, autoimmune disorders, etc). Usually, the body can take care of itself, but occasionally, it can't, and that results in disease, pain, and in extreme circumstances, death.

Medicine, whether western or alternative, is designed to help the body out and hopefully to fix what has gone wrong. In order to do that, it must cause a change in the chemistry, biology, electricity, or structure (or some combination of the four). Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to affect one aspect of the body without having an effect on many aspects of the body. Sometimes those effects are pleasant, sometimes they are benign and unnoticed, but sometimes they cause new problems, which is what side effects are. Some side effects are so bad, that they may be worse than the initial problem, but some are minor irritations that go away quickly.

To be perfectly frank, I can't think of a single remedy - alternative or western - that doesn't have the potential for side effects and unintended results (this is why malpractice insurance exists). Often, alternative therapies have fewer and less intense side effects than western medicine, but there is always the chance that something unwanted will happen.

Here are some examples (there are way too many kinds of alternative therapies for me to touch on all of them, so this is just a few):

Herbal remedies: Herbs, like western pharmaceuticals, affect the chemistry of the body. I said the following in a comment in my previous blog post: Licorice, for example, can cause high blood pressure. Marshmallow root can slow or block the body's ability to absorb certain nutrients, which can lead to conditions such as iron deficiency anemia. Even benign herbs like mint and ginger can cause acid reflux. If you use the wrong herb for a condition, you can make the condition worse. Some herbs, such as Digitalis purperia, are safe only for very specific and serious illnesses, and only in very small does, but are deadly when consumed in any other circumstance. Some herbs, like aconite, require special preparation in order to be safe for use. Some herbs are safe for most people but can cause a pregnant woman to miscarry. Some herbs can be addictive. Any herb can cause an allergic reaction, which can range from minor irritation to the potentially deadly anaphylactic shock.

Acupuncture: Acupuncture affects the chemistry and electricity of the body. I would like to say that my chosen profession doesn't have any side effects, but that would be a lie. When done by a trained professional, the potential side effects are minimal, but they're possible. The most common side effect is minor bruising. Other possible side effects include (but are not limited to) drowsiness, emotional upset (this is a strange one, but I've experienced it first hand), dizziness, and even fainting.

Homeopathy: My knowledge of homeopathy is limited, so I'm not going to attempt to explain what it does. Many people think that it's nothing more than a sugar pill. I have heard anecdotes of people who have had negative emotional reactions to homeopathic remedies (anxiety, irritability, and anger). But even if you're convinced that they're just sugar pills (the main ingredients are sucrose and lactose), the pills are made from ingredients that have an effect on the body. A friend of mine is allergic to cane sugar and had an allergic response to taking a homeopathic remedy.

Energetic healing: This includes things like Reiki, laying of hands, and magical healing, among others. These techniques are trying to tap into the body's energetic fields (which is part of the electricity of the body). Potential side effects of energetic healing include (but are not limited to) dizziness or vertigo, light-headedness, nausea, grogginess, fatigue, hyperactivity, emotional upset, headaches, tingling, pain, flushed face, warm or cold extremities, sweating, irritability, nightmares, depression, and mania.

Structural healing: This includes things like massage, and chiropractic, among others. Obviously, these are trying to address structural problems. Any time you change the structure of the body, you also cause chemical reactions to take place. Possible side effects include bruising, swelling, and nerve impingement among others. Massage can also spread an invading pathogen (bacteria or virus), making you feel worse if you're sick or getting sick.

Miscellaneous: There are a lot of other alternative therapies that people can do that are mostly safe but do have the potential for side effects. Epsom salt baths can increase blood pressure. According to a friend of mine who was a registered nurse with an Ear Nose and Throat specialist, Neti pots have been known to cause ear infections on occasion. Steam inhalations can cause burns if not done properly. The list goes on and on.

The point I am ultimately trying to make with all of this is that you need to stop and think before you treat yourself for medical conditions. Don't assume that because something is natural or alternative that it is completely safe. Do research. The internet is an amazing treasure trove of information. Ask health care providers and healers if there are any possible side effects before being treated, and tell them about all of the supplements and other healing methods you are currently using. When taking herbs, be aware that herbs can have negative reactions with each other and with pharmaceuticals. If you are taking any herbs but need to start a western medication, check with your doctor and herbalist to make sure they are safe when used together, or stop taking the herbs. Alternative medicine is wonderful when used correctly and safely, but it should not be used indiscriminately. Be safe, and be healthy.

Natural Medicine vs. Western Medicine

I am a huge fan of natural medicine. When I get sick or experience pain, I turn to herbs, acupuncture, diet changes, and other natural remedies long before I look to western medicine. When I get congested, I pull out the Neti pot, do steam inhalations, and/or take a tincture rather than pop a couple of Sudafed. Most of the time, it works amazingly well, and I'm able to go about my business.

Many people don't understand why I choose natural remedies instead of over-the-counter medicines and prescriptions. After all, many natural remedies haven't been proven to work through double blind research studies, and the FDA doesn't have the same strict regulations on herbs that it does on drugs (though to be clear, the FDA has extremely strict regulations on the production of herbs and herbal products. They require rigorous testing to make sure that the products that get to the shelves of stores are safe. They just don't verify the claims that are made on the packaging. If a product has been proven to be unsafe, the FDA will take it off the shelves. For a little more info, check out this page.) Natural remedies may require more work (a steam inhalation, for instance takes 10-15 minutes and access to a stove, a pot, and a towel - fine when you're at home, but challenging if you're at work).

For me, there are a few reasons:

My body is extremely sensitive, and if there is some obscure side effect of a drug, there's a good chance that I'll get it. With several different over the counter medications, I have had had very scary experiences, and in one case, an OTC was slowly putting my life in danger. Prescription medications have also given me horrific side effects. I have experienced far fewer side effects from natural remedies (that isn't to say there aren't any - just that my experiences have been better)

In some situations, I've tried western medicines, and they haven't done anything for me, but natural remedies have fixed my problems.

Many conditions that western medicine can only fix with dangerous or addictive medicines can be safely regulated with natural remedies - especially pain. Natural medicines can also correct some problems that western medicine can only correct with surgery.

I have spent a lot of time with plants. I like plants. Plants can provide us with most of what we need. Western medicine takes components of plants, isolates them, and increases them. In nature, plants have many components, all of which interact with each other. In many cases, one component will mitigate the negative effects of another, or one will magnify the effects of another (this is also true of herbal combinations). I have found that using the whole plant instead of specific constituents can provide gentler, more complete healing.

If I am preparing the remedies myself, I can be sure that the ingredients I am using meet my requirements for sustainability. Many herbal companies (though not all) are committed to protecting the environment and use only organic growing methods. I have been able to visit several farms and production plants and have a really good grasp on what companies I want to support. Western drugs are often produced by companies that are more interested in making a profit than making people better or protecting the planet.

Natural remedies can often be used as preventative care, whereas western medicine is almost exclusively used after a problem has arisen.

That all being said, there are times when western pharmaceuticals are the best choice. Very recently, I got very sick. I tried pretty much every natural remedy available - acupuncture, herbs, tinctures, epsom salt baths, something called the wet sock treatment, homeopathy - you name it, I tried it. I kept getting worse. When I started taking antibiotics, I started getting better right away (although, unsurprisingly, I did experience some nasty side effects). I hate how overused antibiotics are in our society, but when you need them, you need them. I will also admit that there have been times when I've had a headache or cramps that were so bad, I gave in and took Tylenol or Advil. (Although, since I have discovered cramp bark tincture and raspberry leaf tea, I haven't needed NSAIDs for cramps). I am lucky in that I don't have any diseases or chronic conditions that require that I take drugs regularly to stay alive. In those situations, I am all for pharmaceuticals. Some people also require daily medications for psychological conditions in order to function properly in society.

People who dismiss all western medications for all conditions piss me off as much as people who dismiss all natural remedies (and yes, they truly piss me off). We live in a time when we have the benefit of thousands of years of experience with natural remedies as well as modern technology and medicine. They each have their place. I am grateful for herbs, and I am grateful for antibiotics - when they're needed. I think vaccinations are awesome (hooray for never having to worry about smallpox or polio!). I think acupuncture is astonishing. Why limit ourselves to one narrow concept of health and healing?

****SAFETY NOTICE****

Please note that herbs have major effects on your body, as do pharmaceuticals. Be careful when taking herbs. Keep track of all that you are taking on a regular basis. If you ever have any questions, talk to a medical professional who has been educated in herbalism. There are some nasty drug/herb interactions, so if your health care provider puts you on medications, stop taking your herbs unless you've confirmed with them that it is safe to continue. Please don't put yourself at risk.

Candida Cleanse: Day 14

Whew! In 1 hour and 20 minutes, I will have completed 2 weeks of my candida cleanse. I haven't had any symptoms of die-off in almost a week. Several of my candida symptoms are improving dramatically, which is awesome. Hooray for experiments that work!

Unfortunately, on Thursday, I started to experience massive sugar cravings. Why I didn't get them earlier, I have no idea, but for the past 2 days, I've had visions of Skittles, cupcakes, cinnamon rolls, cookies, chocolate, and ice cream noisily tapdancing through my head. I've managed to hold off on succumbing, but it has been tough. Fortunately, it hasn't been anywhere near as difficult as when I quit caffeine. That was pure misery. This is more of an annoyance. I almost gave in to the craving this evening, but somehow I managed to park my butt and not get a cupcake.

My goal is to keep away from the refined sugar until I go to Colorado in a week and a half for my best friend's wedding. At that point, my cleanse is done. There's no way I'm going to pass on gluten free, dairy free wedding torte (hooray for having a best friend who is also a glutard!). I'll be honest, though, if these cravings keep up the way they are now, I might not be able to hold off for that long. We shall see...

Candida Cleanse: Day 8

After 1 week of my cleanse, I don't have that much to report. My die-off symptoms seem to have gone away for the most part (I still don't have the best appetite ever, but it's improving). I decided last night that after a full week of not having any fruit at all that I would let myself start eating fruit again and add a probiotic to my regimen. I was thrilled about my decision to eat fruit when I went to the farmer's market where they had beautiful Rainier cherries, and lush, red strawberries. Eating the myriad delicious local fruits that are available is my favorite thing about summer, so not getting to eat any was a bit like torture. I suppose if adding fruit to my diet causes my cleanse to fail miserably, I'll just wait until winter to try again.