Kicking the Blues

I'm currently blogging as a means of procrastination. I have so much to do for school, but I'm really struggling to get it done.

Part of it is that I keep getting distracted by things that really get me going. For a few months, I've been feeling depressed. Depression leads to not giving a flying fuck about things going on. Elections? Meh. School? Meh. Conservatives trying to limit women's freedoms? WTF???

That's right, what seems to be dragging me out of my slump is my anger at the laws that are being proposed, and unfortunately passed, that are more about the desire to control women than they are about morality. I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about that now - there may be a vitriolic post coming up in the near future if I feel inspired, but I'm more interested in talking about the process of awakening from depression.

Tonight, I noticed that there have been some things that I've been getting passionate about over the past week and a half. I started painting for the first time in years (it was bad. It was so bad. But I know that I just need to do it more, and my ability to not suck will return) because I finally had inspiration. I've started to care about the political situation - not just the abortion issue, but everything (it's hard to admit that for a while, I honestly couldn't make myself care). I want to get my diet back to something healthy (I've been eating out a *lot* lately, and I've been eating way more sugar than I should). On a forum I read, someone posted a question about dietary supplements, and I have been in the zone answering not only the original question, but other questions that have come up from it, including things about herbs and nutrition. It felt so good to realize that I know quite a lot about these topics. I don't know as much as I want to, but I certainly know way more than the average American.

I've also been getting pretty excited about acupuncture and seeing how well it works for so many different ailments. I'll admit that I get pretty upset about the number of pharmaceuticals many of my patients are on. One patient I saw the other day was on 3 different sleeping medicines and Ritalin to mitigate the side effects caused by taking them nightly. I'm genuinely really angry at state of modern medicine, which is more about making money for big pharma than it is for helping people (obviously, this is not true of all doctors, but unfortunately, it is for many).

It's a little weird and a lot exciting to be feeling such strong emotions - both positive and negative. There are things in this world that are really important to me, and for a while there, I didn't realize it. I feel like Dorothy stepping from the world of black and white into a magical technicolor reality where I have the full spectrum of emotions available to me. I feel like I can finally start living again instead of existing. It's very, very cool.

Gratitude

Everyone experiences ups and downs. I've been having a harder time than usual lately, and I've had days where I have struggled to deal with the most basic of tasks (I have SAD, and it has been exacerbated by difficult life situations, as well as a major life transition). The more challenging things have been, the less focus I've had, and the easier it has been for even the smallest setbacks to cause me to go completely off-kilter.

I'm normally pretty even-keeled, and I'm an eternal optimist. I've always said that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure that's the right way to say what I believe. It's more that I think that in any given situation, we can act in such a way that we learn and grow from it. By choosing the path that leads us toward improvement rather than stagnation, we can create meaning in events that are senseless and random. I also think that if we open our awareness to the world and pay attention, there are signs that will guide us toward a path that has challenges that we have the tools to cope with. If we ignore the signs, then things can get pretty rough.

I can already hear the groans of some of my friends as they read this. They are the atheists, the agnostics, the scientists who require hard data, and the skeptics. Although I am spiritual and believe in a higher power, signs certainly needn't be divine in origin. When my car is low on gas, it gives me a sign: the gas light comes on. I can pull into the next gas station and fill my tank, or I can keep going, ignoring the sign because stopping for fuel is inconvenient, or the nearest gas station isn't my preferred brand. Chances are, I'll be able to keep driving for a little while, but eventually, my car will run out of gas, and I'll have to deal with much more hassle than if I'd just paid attention. Life is full of signs like this, though unfortunately, many of the really important ones are far more subtle than the gas light. I've heard a theory that intuition is simply the result of your brain compiling the millions of subtle bits of data it collects that the conscious mind doesn't necessarily register. If that's the case, then our intuition is just as important, if not more so, than our "rational" thought.

But I digress. The point I am very wordily trying to make is that I've been struggling to create meaning in my current circumstances. I've spent a lot of time chasing my own tail, and unsurprisingly getting nowhere. I've been too caught up in my own mess to pay attention to the signs that could help lead me out of this mental morass, and that has lead to a very unhappy me.

Last night, I was having dinner with a very good friend of mine. He told me that he finds that he's noticed that life is a lot easier when he focuses on being grateful, rather than on what he's lacking. This is a lesson that I have decided I need to take to heart. Yes, life has been throwing unpleasant things my way. I'm not going to say that whole bit about lemons and lemonade - we all know it, and frankly, I'm a lot less concerned with lemons than I am with shitstorms.

I've spent a lot of time asking (and I'm a little ashamed to admit there were times when there was begging) the universe and my Goddess to fix the problems that I have - some of which are truly out of my hands, but most of which I have some control over. This is an approach that doesn't work. One of my very firm beliefs is that the gods only help those who have put in what work they can in order to improve their situation. Only when the effort has been made will outside forces step in and assist. Which is more effective: asking a rainstorm to stop, or finding an umbrella?

I'm going to do my best to focus on being grateful instead of railing uselessly against the unfairness of my situation. The bad things that life throws at me don't define who I am; how I react to them does. I'm going to start with being grateful for the most basic and fundamental thing: I am grateful that I am alive and that I get to experience this insane, wonderful, scary, painful, beautiful, horrifying, uncomfortable, miraculous thing called consciousness. It is easy to resent this experience because it's complicated, and it isn't always fun. Being grateful won't always come naturally, but I think that if I can consciously make the effort, over time it will be easier to be thankful for other things, and the better I will be at handling everything life throws at me.

And the Winner Is...

I finally came up with the name of my future practice: Blissful Healing Arts.

I settled on wanting a name that evoked tranquility and happiness, and "bliss" seemed like a good choice for that. I was really tempted to use "Serenity" in some form, but too many people suggested "Serenity Now," which comes from Seinfeld. While it's amusing, it brings the actor Jerry Stiller to my mind, and I find him to be the most irritating, not-funny comedian ever. The other image that kept popping into my head was that of Simon from the TV show "Firefly" saying "I always thought the name 'Serenity' had a vaguely funereal sound to it." Sure, he was talking about a spaceship about to run out of oxygen, but I still didn't want people to think about death when they heard the name.

Many thanks to everyone who made suggestions.

I'll be sure to keep everyone posted as things progress.

What's in A Name?

Those of you who have been keeping up with my blog lately know that my graduation date is rapidly approaching, and that means that I'm going to be kicked out of school and into the real world very, very soon.

There are certain business-related things that I would like to get out of the way now - partly because I need to do them in order to pass my Practice Management class, but mostly because they would make me feel a little better, like I'm exerting some amount of control on my future. These include things like creating a website and applying for a business license.

A few of these things require figuring out what I'm going to call my practice. As you may have read, I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be staying in Seattle or moving to Oregon after graduation, but either way I would like a name that can travel with me. This means there's no way I'm going to call my practice Seattle's Most Awesomist Acupuncture Clinic EVAR! (Although it does have a nice ring to it).

I've been tossing a few ideas around in my head, but I'm having a difficult time. Part of the problem is that I want something unique. I don't want it to have my name in the title, so no Susie's Amazing Healing Center! FOR REALZ! I also don't want it to be acupuncture-specific. I intend to include non-acupuncture services from the start, including massage and sound therapy, and I would like to be able to grow into a full healing center someday that could include non-acupuncturist practitioners. This rules out my roommate's suggestion of POKE! Acupuncture Clinic.

I'd like a name that's a little on the new-agey side of things. Let's face it, I'm new-agey. I can hide it fairly well sometimes, but one of the things that excites me about being an acupuncturist is that I don't have to hide myself behind a corporate facade. I'm a bit of a hippy, and I want to draw the sort of clients who will appreciate that. Calling my clinic You'll Feel Like You're at the Doctor's Sterile and Unfeeling Office Wellness Center is out. On the other hand, I don't want to be too over the top, so Stunning Goddess Body, Spirit, and Heart Holistic Healing Arts Magic Town won't work either.

With all of these ideas, it's really f*ing difficult to come up with a good name. I've tossed around the idea of having some of the following words in the name: alchemy, transformation, unity, harmony, ohm, bella luna, and bliss. It turns out these are really popular terms in alternative health care practices. I was pretty excited about the idea of Body Alchemy, but then I googled it, and the number one hit was a book of transsexual photographs. The book looks really cool (for serious, rock on with your transsexual selves!), but it could create some confusion that I don't want to deal with. I also like the idea of using "community" in the name, but since I'm not planning on having a community acupuncture clinic, that seems like it would just be a bad idea.

Once I figure out what I want to call it, I then have to decide if I want it to be _fill in the blank_ healing, healing arts, wellness, or something else. What's a budding acupuncturist to do???

Since I seem to be chasing my own tail, if any of my wonderful readers have any suggestions - either for cool names, or for ways to brainstorm name ideas, I'm open to hearing them. I can't promise that I'll use your suggestions, but you never know where an idea will come from, and even something that doesn't work could trigger a revelation.

Option C, I Need A Third Option, and This is What I Came Up With : An Essay for Practice Management

This is the fourth post in a series that I am writing for my class, Practice Management. For an introduction go here. To read about my definition of success, go here. In order to understand this post, read about Option A first, and Option B next.

Option C is the least likely of the options to happen. To be honest, the only reason I have a third option is because it's part of the assignment. Basically, what it amounts to is that I would not continue with the herbs program, but I wouldn't leave Seattle immediately to go to Oregon. I would still plan on taking the massage intensive course, and I would rent space in a clinic for 1 or 2 half days to start. The ultimate plan would still be to go to Oregon once I've had a more experience. It would enable me to have a strong support network if I don't succeed right away.

I don't have a lot to add to this option that I didn't cover in the first two. Because I wouldn't be receiving financial aid, I would need to build up my practice more quickly than in Option A. Much like in Option B, in order to be successful, I would need to have enough patients that I could afford to pay for my business expenses as well as my basic living expenses.

Because I don't want to settle in Seattle, I think that this option wouldn't be a great plan. It would be difficult for me to want to put in the time and effort to really build up a good, solid practice knowing that I'm planning on leaving. If I did put in that effort, then I'd be much less likely to want to move later, which is a big concern for me.

There isn't much in this plan that would excite me. It's neither very practical or doing what I want.

It's certainly possible that I'm not being creative enough in figuring out a third, more awesome plan, but for now, this is all I could think of.

Thus concludes my first reflection project for Practice Management.

Option B, My Heart's Desire: An Essay for Practice Management

This is the third post in a series that I am writing for my class, Practice Management. For an introduction go here. To read about my definition of success, go here. In order to understand this post, read about Option A first.

In contrast to Option A, which is the most logical plan for when I graduate from Bastyr, Option B is all about what I really want to do. It's much less likely to happen than Option A because I think I should follow the responsible path.

In this scenario, I would take the summer massage intensive course after graduation. As previously mentioned, I want to be an LMP in addition to an acupuncturist. I would not continue with Chinese herbs. I would get licensed in Oregon, but not in Washington. As soon as I finished with the massage program, I would move to Ashland, OR.

In Ashland, I would rent a room in an existing practice. Because the town is pretty small, especially compared to Seattle, I would be willing to rent from just about any practice that had a space available, although I would strongly prefer to find a space that doesn't feel medical. Out of necessity, I would need to practice several days a week, rather than being able to practice for only a half day to begin with. In order to generate business in a town where I have no current contacts, I would get in contact with other people in the health care profession and work with them to get referrals. Because the patients I would like to work with would be the same in Ashland as in Seattle (see previous post for more info), it would be prudent to offer free treatment to successful therapists/psychiatrists in the area in order to establish good relationships with them.

In order to be successful in this scenario, I would need to generate a lot more business right off the bat because I wouldn't have any cushion provided by being in school part time. I would need to make at least 25,000 a year (after expenses) in order to meet basic living expenses.

This option is far more exciting than option A. I would feel like I was really geting started with my life. I wouldn' t need to worry about getting stuck in Seattle. I would be living in the place that feels most like home out of everywhere I've been.

Of course, this is a terrifying option. Moving somewhere with no support network is scary enough without having to contend with starting a brand new practice at the same time. The risk of failure is high, and I wouldn't have anyone to rely on if I did fail. There is a part of me that believes that the scariest option is the one that will ultimately bring the most gratification in the long run. It's sometimes hard to listen to the practical part of my brain when the adventurous part of my brain is telling me to just let go and put trust in the universe and in myself and take the risk.

To proceed to the next post in the Practice Management series, click here.

Option A, the Responsible Choice: An Essay for Practice Management

This is the second post in a series that I am writing for my class, Practice Management. For an introduction go here. To read about my definition of success, go here

For my Practice Management class, we have to describe the 3 things we are most likely to do after graduation and label them Options A, B, and C.

Regardless of what I do immediately after graduation, my ultimate goal is to move to southern Oregon and open up my own practice there (more on that in Option B).

I started at Bastyr in the MSAOM (master of science in acupuncture and Oriental medicine) program, but last spring, I dropped the herbs program after completing the 3 quarter Materia Medica class, and I am now in the MSA (master of science in acupuncture) program. Although I love herbal medicine, I have struggled with Chinese herbs. For my personal health, I gravitate toward western herbal remedies rather than Chinese. Western herbs just make more sense in my brain (I haven't been able to pinpoint why this is).

In most states, including both Washington and Oregon, it is not currently necessary to have taken Chinese herbs in order to practice acupuncture. It is, however, required in order to practice in California. Although I am not planning on living in California, I must take into account the fact that Oregon and California are neighbors. Plus, I've found that life has a tendency to ignore my plans, and I can't guarantee that I'll never move to the Golden State. On top of that, it is always possible that Chinese herbs will become required in Washington and/or Oregon.

All that is to say that although I don't particularly want to, I feel that I should finish the herbs program starting with Formulations 1 this spring. If I continue with the herbs program, I will be in class part time until December 2013.

If I go with Option A, my plan is to get my certificate in Chinese herbs. This summer, in order to have enough credits to still be eligible for financial aid, I will also take the massage intensive course. I would like to be an LMP (licensed massage practitioner) in addition to an acupuncturist in order to have a wider variety of services to offer to my clients. I am drawn to massage and appreciate the different techniques taught in the program. The requirements for getting a massage license in Oregon are very similar to those in Washington, and I would not need any additional classes when I move there.

Taking herbs and massage will give me a cushion between graduation and having to rely on my practice to completely sustain me. If it takes a while for me to receive my licence after graduation in June, being in class and receiving financial aid will take the pressure off of not having a job. I will be able to start off slowly and grow my practice with fewer stressors. It will also enable me to put off starting to pay my student loans.

If I go this route, as soon as I get my license, I plan on renting space in someone else's practice for 1 or 2 half days to start off with. I would like the practice I work in to not be solely an acupuncture practice in order to increase the potential for referrals. Possible types of practice include chiropractic, naturopathic, or massage practices. I would like the practice to be located in Seattle in Queen Anne, Fremont, Ballard, or Wallingford, although I would consider options in other Seattle neighborhoods north of downtown. Ideally, I would start off having 1 patient per hour that I am working. Once I have finished with the herbal certificate program, I'll move to Oregon.

My ideal client would be one who is dealing with emotional problems and the complications that arise from them. I am particularly fascinated with how emotional issues manifest in the physical body and would love to focus my practice on that area. I would like to treat patients with anxiety, stress, depression, PTSD, and possibly even more complicated psychiatric disorders such as bipolar disorder, dissociative disorder, and schizophrenia, although my experience in those areas is extremely limited. Because there are a lot of physical issues that arise from emotional problems, I am also interested in treating things like IBS, fibromyalgia, hypertension, GERD, and chronic pain. On the flip side, I would also like to treat the emotional problems that are caused by chronic disease.

In my practice, I plan to offer a combination of sound therapy (acutonics), massage, acupuncture, and aromatherapy. I want my patients' experiences from beginning to end to be soothing and relaxing so that it becomes a peaceful refuge for them and something that they look forward to. I want it to feel more like they're going to the spa than to a doctor's office. To that end, I would like to start off renting a space in a practice that has a similar outlook as I do, a comfortable waiting room, soothing lighting, and cozy practice rooms.

In this scenario, my definition of success will start out very small. Having enough patients that I can pay the rent for my practice, plus a little extra would be enough. As time goes on, I would consider success to be getting busy enough that I need to increase the amount of time I'm practicing until I'm eventually able to support myself through my practice.

I can't honestly say that this plan excites me. It satisfies my practical nature and strikes me as being responsible and reasonably safe (as safe as one can get when opening a business). It would enable me to stay in Seattle for a little while where I have a huge network of friends, family, and acquaintances who could become patients and/or refer people to me. If things work out well, it could give me some cushion to make a transition to a new location more comfortable.

My biggest concern with this plan is that if my practice does well, I will have a difficult time uprooting myself and moving to Oregon. I am already pretty well entrenched in Seattle after living here for 7 years, so getting even more settled here will make such a big change hard. I have been wanting to leave Seattle for most of the time I've lived here, and I don't want to feel like I'm stuck here. I also kind of feel like this is a cop out. It seems that it's the easy option, rather than what I want to do. Being responsible is all well and good, but shouldn't I be doing something that excites me? This option (as well as the other 2 options) scares me because opening up my own practice is a big risk. I don't want to be one of the many new acupuncturists who fails within the first 5 years.

To proceed to the next post in the Practice Management series, click here.